Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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