you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
