He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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