I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
