i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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