dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
