I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
