i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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