Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
