Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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