How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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