I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
