Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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