Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
