the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
