you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Randomize