u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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