The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
