I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
