just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
