Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
