I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
