If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
