i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Enjoy the penises
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
