I'm drive I can fine osifer
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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