In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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