we made out on top of his cat.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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