i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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