I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Randomize
