I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Randomize
