i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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