Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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