She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize