I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
