Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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