mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
