I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
