Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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