Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
