Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
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