i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Randomize
