Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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