how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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