Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
