oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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