so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
