Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
