Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Come share oat with me in your robe
pray to the hookup gods
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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