no, he came in my armpit
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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