I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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