Duck Duck Cougar?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Randomize