I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
