All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
