I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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