woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
