I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
