Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
