I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
