So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
