when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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